We don't often realize it, when we have matured. When we have learned enough of life to know certain things and thus have an air of comfort in our own bodies, ways, abilities. It often happens slowly, and one day we realize we have matured.
For me, it hit me when my daughter needed help with her outfit.
My daughter came rushing to me one morning, as she was getting ready for school. "Can I borrow that black and white scarf, the one I gave you?" she asked excitedly. "Of course" I say, always happy when I think I am cool enough that my daughter wants to wear my stuff, even though she gave it to me.
**Since originally writing this, my daughter is happily in college, maturing like crazy, growing so much it is hard for me to see her as the wonderful young adult she is turning in to.**
Then I think, "oh, crud, where is it? I haven't worn that since last Spring!" I tell her where I think it is, she says ok and then comes the "Can you de-tangle this" she asks quickly as she dropped a tangled necklace in my lap.
So I set to the necklace, and it suddenly occurs to me that I must be older and wiser, because I can calmly set forth to de-tangle a tiny chain knowing I can do it if I take my time and carefully work on it. I got it detangled before she found my scarf!
Old memories of panic and frustration of such things flow into my head, as I remember a time when I was like my daughter, thinking I was unable to get the knots out of any piece of chain, and every time I tried, I gave up.
More memories come to me as I remember myself frantically pulling every last thing out of my high school closet to find one shoe.
Well, I have had years of practice, with hubby and oldest son not being able to find anything right in front of their faces. But this was different. These tasks were things I remember rushing through when I was my daughter's age. I never did de-tangle those necklaces before I moved out.
I thought I would cringe at the thought of being that old mamma who handles everything cool as a cucumber. But honestly, I was quite proud. I was relieved, in a way, that I could show my daughter these things can be done calmly, carefully. (She is a little less than graceful with things that should be handled carefully to begin with)
So yes, I am getting old I guess. At forty something, with 3 teenagers, I guess I am old. To them anyways. But to me, I am still young. Almost all my friends just had kids 5 years ago, so I am seeing them as I was 15 years ago.
I am submitting my resumes, like I did fresh out of college.
I have taken up running, similar to my addiction to aerobics back in college. I am uncertain about my future, but now I also share the uncertainty of my children's future.
**I have since found a job, and so incredible thankful I don't have those old stresses of 'will they call for an interview?' I am glad to be old and settled in to a steady paycheck. **
I am re-defining my life yet again, forging a path that will make my life, our lives, better. At the same time, I have lived this all before, I have brought my children to adulthood, where they themselves are forging a path that will make their lives better.
**I am now certain my future is just what I want it to be: a less stressful enjoyment of life. And excited to see where theirs lead.**
I am old, but I am still young. I have the experience, and some wisdom, but I feel like I have so much ahead of me.
I hope it feels like this all the way until I am 90.